danielle axelrod

Dear Reader,

My mind has this favorite game to play.
I wish it was something cute like Clue or Scrabble or Candyland.

It’s not.

It’s honestly way worse.

Because the game of “What If” is an invitation for a spiral that takes your little pawn off of its starting spot on the truth of God and down the chutes of insecurity, despair, and fear.

It’s this game that my mind likes to play in almost every single scenario, ever.

Like, if I snooze my alarm too many times and miss my window for quiet time in the morning: “What if God is mad at me?”

Like, if I talk too much in a conversation: “What if they find me incredibly annoying?”

Like, if I post this blog on my Instagram story: “What if they think I’m weird & post too much?”

Like, if I try to just simply receive a blessing from God: “What if He’s just testing me?”

I mean, I wasn’t kidding when I said every. single. scenario.

A “What If” always seems to lurk in my mind, as if it is just waiting to ruin my day. Because quite frankly, that’s all it does. Most of my what ifs are an attempt to sabotage me. And here I thought my own mind would be on my side.

Silly, silly, me.

This past week, I had more “what if” moments than I could count.

I had to have some hard conversations that led to: “What if I handled that completely wrong?”

I was dealing with some difficult circumstances that led to: “What if they think I’m incapable?”

I received some news that led to: “What if the best really is behind me?”

And on and on and on it went.

To be very honest, I usually hate the inside of my own mind.

Yes, I know that hate is a strong word. And yes, I still choose to use it here because let me tell you, it’s a battlefield up there. And for whatever reason, my mind seems to cling to lies with more ease than God’s truth – which means I’ve had to learn to really put up a fight when it comes to conforming those thoughts. And we all know how much I just LOVE fighting… (Side note, in case you actually do not know me: I hate conflict of any shape, form, species, flavor, kind or breed…)

But a conversation I had with one of my pastors recently helped me start to shift my relationship with my mind.

While I hate how many questions suffocate my mind at all times, he brought it up as a strength. He told me that he loved how curious I was, and that God actually gave me that as a gift. And just that sentence brought me to tears.

Because yes, my natural tendency is to ask “what if?”

And normally, it is a question that sends me into a spiral of anxiety, shame, and thoughts that center around peoples’ opinions rather than God’s absolutes.

But what if this natural tendency to be curious could actually be a gift?

What if I only hated parts of me that have become insecurities because people once rejected them? What if I stopped asking questions because people have been annoyed by it? Or because I’ve judged myself in where those spirals have led?

What if I hate how much I talk because people have told me I’m too much?

What if I hate my appearance because I’ve been rejected for it before?

And what if those very things have become insecurities because people rejected them instead of intentional traits that God gave me to use for His glory, and loves most about me?

What if I could use those things for good, instead?

What if I was wrong, and God was always right? That how He created me was how He intended to? That the things He loves most about me, people may reject in me?

And what if it’s not even about me? What if these are things that He has uniquely put inside of me so that He could get glory from the purpose He has put on my life?

If some people reject me, but He uses those traits to help others accept Him, is that not worth something so much more?

So, tonight, I ask you – what if you’re wrong?

What if the very things you’ve been talking yourself out of are the very things God is asking you to lean in to?

What if you are loved just as you are? What if you are also simultaneously being called into something greater?

And what if you started to see yourself the way that God does, not people?

I just wonder – what would happen if we decided to embrace the very things that make us who God intended us to be?

What if hearing Him say “well done” became greater than our need to be well liked by people?

I write these words to you as I pen them for myself, too.

Because I think the enemy is real scared of what might happen if we see ourselves as chosen, loved, accepted, and redeemed.

And I can’t wait to see what God can do in and through us if we would just fight to align our minds with His.

What if we started that fight today?

I think we might just find the freedom we’re looking for on the other side.

♡ Sincerely,

This Curious Writer